Best of April Fools Archives - Woodworking | Blog | Videos | Plans | How To https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/weekly-issue/best-of-april-fools/ America's Leading Woodworking Authority Tue, 10 Apr 2018 13:40:44 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.0.7 Woodworking: He’s Covered in It https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/woodworking-hes-covered-in-it/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 14:27:00 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43753 As a child, Oscar DeLaminated hated anything to do with wood. The child of 60s parents who had gone into plastics, he grew up in an artificially created environment filled with styrofoam, vinyl and polypropylene. Anything that could be dyed orange, was.

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As a child, Oscar DeLaminated hated anything to do with wood. The child of 60s parents who had gone into plastics, he grew up in an artificially created environment filled with styrofoam, vinyl and polypropylene. Anything that could be dyed orange, was.

When he grew up, he rebelled. “I opted out of the 80s corporate greed and into sustainable living,” Oscar said.

It’s a passion he’s maintained, and one that has brought him truly back to the land. “I don’t do anything; I don’t consume anything, that involves resources I can’t remake or replace. This container I’m holding is capturing all the carbon dioxide that comes out every time I exhale. I’m going to dump it out on top of all the trees I’m growing — kind of like watering them, with their own version of fresh air.”
Those trees are part of the project that brought Oscar to woodworkers’ attention: they’re the source material for his new line of wooden clothing.

“I’ve failed any tests of mechanical aptitude I’ve ever taken,” explained Oscar. “Plus, I don’t want to use any metal parts. I won’t be building any cotton gins, and there’s the whole crazy-scary witch thing with the spinning wheel. I’ve pretty much run out of options for where to get my clothes.

“I did go the traditional fig-leaf route for a while, but my fig trees kept dying. I guess they didn’t like the refreshing January breezes off of Lake Superior.” Now, Oscar is using a different part of the tree to create his wardrobe. Not the furniture type of wardrobe — he doesn’t have one of those, as he considers it a waste of time and money — but the kind that’s a collection of all of his clothes. At the moment, he has two outfits.

“I did birchbark shorts for summer last year; they really matched the peeling on my skin after I’d been out in the sun absorbing solar heat into my bodily fat for winter storage.

“Now, I’m stylin’ it in oak: hardwood, man, that’s the way to go.”

Committed these days to using only local woods, Oscar does admit that it’s often difficult for him to make a choice between turning his oak or walnut trees into an outfit or saving the nuts for a nutritious potage. Sometimes, he’ll just trim off a branch or two with his homemade bow saw to use for his material, and leave the rest to keep on growing.

Each new outfit is unique — “pattern, schmattern,” says Oscar. “I just make what I make” — and he also highlights its natural decomposability. “Say you eat a nice dinner of homegrown beans and home-slaughtered bacon,” he said. “In a little while, you might be feeling the aftereffects — but you can just leave ’em there in the woods. It’s kind of like shedding your skin. Next day, you whip up a new outfit.”
Oscar’s wooden clothing has additional safety benefits, as well: for woodworkers who use a table saw, the clothing, especially when it’s made of hardwood, acts as a sort of “armor-plated” (“Hey! Wooden armor…,” Oscar says) safety guard.
Also, the U.S. Coast Guard has expressed interest in testing the wooden clothing’s use as a floatation device. Travel plans to Niagara Falls may be in Oscar’s future.

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Dr. Jekyll’s Hyde Glue: The Vegan’s Alternative https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/dr-jekylls-hyde-glue-the-vegans-alternative/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 13:15:40 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43746 When Ahm Sari started woodworking as a hobby, everyone told him that hide glue was far and away the best glue he could use.

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When Ahm Sari started woodworking as a hobby, everyone told him that hide glue was far and away the best glue he could use. However, as a devout Jain who abhorred killing animals, the thought of using glue made from animals quite literally turned his stomach. Realizing that there must be a lot of vegans and PETA followers who felt the same way, he set out to create a kinder, gentler hide glue: one that did not depend on dead animals.

The result is Dr. Jekyll’s Hyde Glue, named for Robert Louis Stevenson’s fictional character who is really something different than he appears to be. “Actually,” Ahm told me, “I wanted to name it ‘I can’t believe it is not hide glue,’ which really sums up what people feel about it once they try it. However, the company that sells the butter substitute of a similar name prevented me from calling it that. In fact, I was going to follow that up with a synthetic shellac substitute I created and call it ‘I can’t believe it’s not shellac,’ but they stopped that as well. Instead, I call it ‘Don’t bug me,’ a reference to the fact that no bugs are killed in creating it.

“My background is in polymer chemistry,” Ahm explained, “so coming up with the formulas was not really all that difficult. Like the real thing, my Hyde Glue can be used as a cold-set glue, sold in liquid form, which gives you a fairly long open time for glue-ups. However, I also sell a version that starts out as a semi-solid and must be heated. Just like the real thing, the hot version sets much quicker and depends on cool temperatures as well as moisture loss to set. Both form essentially the same strong, creep-free glue bonds, and like hide glue, are reversible with heat or hot water.

“My ‘Don’t bug me’ shellac substitute is also a direct replacement, in this case for shellac. It’s a great sealer and finish, can be wiped on, brushed or sprayed, is slightly amber and dries very fast. The finish it forms is hard, waterproof, stain-resistant and buffs up easily. You can make it anything from satin to high gloss just by rubbing it down, with fine steel wool, or up with automotive polishing compound.”

When I pointed out that this sounds remarkably like nitrocellulose lacquer, which in fact was originally created as a substitute for shellac back in the early 20th century, Ahm insisted it was quite different. I asked him to explain the difference, but he said it was too technical and I most likely would not understand. “In any case,” he insisted, “it is proprietary, so I can’t tell you.”

At present, Ahm does not have much distribution, but he hopes that will change. In the meantime, you can buy either product direct from his website, though there is an additional flammable item shipping charge for ‘Don’t bug me’ shellac substitute.

“For me, it is all about being a good woodworker who is also kind to animals,” Ahm Sari insisted. “Just because you love wood does not mean you should have to apologize to the animals.”

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Compact Project Storage https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/compact-project-storage/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 13:08:06 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43733 Have many projects in mind but not enough places to put them all? This reader has a tip that will help you keep everything you've ever made on display forever.

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I’ve been woodworking for about 60 years now and have made literally hundreds and hundreds of projects. Some of them I’ve sold, many have been given as gifts — but some are so dear that I have not been able to part with them. As you might guess, at this late stage they are really stacking up around the house. Then, just after my best shop buddy, Seymore Naughts, passed away, I got a great space saving idea. Cremating my favorite projects! I’ve found that I can fit a chair or end table into a small Ball Jar. An entire dining room set fits into a 2-pound coffee can. (Loretta decorates them quite nicely.) Right now I’ve got ten years worth of work displayed on my mantel … And they helped warm my house too!

– Trebor Eontsnhoj; Drofkcor, Minnesota

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Shop-made Sandpaper https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/shop-made-sandpaper/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 13:07:47 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43742 Do you really want to save money in your shop? This reader has the ultimate penny saving solution: make your own sandpaper!

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After years and years of fattening the pockets of those corner office execs at Norton and 3M, I could kick myself for not thinking of this trick sooner. Make your own sandpaper, fellow shop rats! That’s what I do now, and I take those savings STRAIGHT TO THE BANK. Think of how easy it is: paper, glue, sand. Hello?! So, here’s what I do. I roll a layer of my favorite yellow glue onto a sheet of office paper, then dump on a few handfuls of sand and knock off the excess. I use the powdery white play sand for my 220-221 grit (whatever it takes). I fill my pockets with beach sand after a weekend at the cabin and use that for my 60 to somewhere-in-the-hundreds grit. For the really rough stuff, I have to wait until winter and then dodge the snowplows to shovel up what they leave behind. Dicey, but worth it for my 8- to 40-grit. I will say that when you make your own sandpaper, there are some compromises. You’ve gotta be happy with scratches. That’s the name of the game here; you’ll never get some of the big scratches out of the wood, but hey, sanding is all about leaving scratches, right? So all in a day’s work, I say. The paper doesn’t hold up too long either, but think of the money you’re saving! I’m experimenting with paper bags and Sunday circulars. Will keep you all posted.

– Skeezits “Save a Penny” Johansson
Twig, Minnesota

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Expiration Date on Stones? https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/expiration-date-on-stones/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:50:28 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43728 They've been sitting out for several months, but this reader's stones still smell pretty fresh. How long does he have to wait for these things to rot?

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I’ve made a table featured in a previous issue of Woodworker’s Journal, and it looks great. All that’s left for me to do is finish and polish. I’ve been told that I should use rotten stone to polish. So I went out and bought some stone and left it sitting out on my counter. It’s been several months, but they still smell pretty fresh. How long do I have to wait for these things to rot? I just want to finish this table! -Terry Joiner, Baldwin, Massachusetts

Tom Onman: You really didn’t give us much to go on here. What kind of rocks do you have? Different rocks rot at different rates and create a different look when you apply them. I like to use granite. It starts to decompose after just a few weeks in the sun, and it doesn’t smell too bad when you’re applying it. If you’re willing to wait a while longer, the best polish comes from from pumice, but that stuff can take years to properly decay. I have a bottle of 1922 pumice in my basement for special jobs.

Jodi Gives: While store bought stone rots just fine, why not take this opportunity and “go green?” I get all my rotten stone from my garden. Usually I can find some stone that’s already got a bit of rot on it, and it works just as well as the store bought stuff for free!

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Phroyd Answers Miniaturists’ Call with Quarter Cutter https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/phroyd-answers-miniaturists-call-with-quarter-cutter/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:38:40 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43725 Two bits buys mini quartersawing wonder blade!

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Miniaturists frustrated by the desire to cut quartersawn lumber for their tiny Arts & Crafts doll furniture, but without a suitable micro-sized blade for the job, take heart! Phroyd’s new “Quarter Cutter” is just the blade for you. Made from a proprietary blend of coined metals, and with an arbor hole measuring just 1/8-in., this teeny cutter should be perfect for milling custom “quartersawn” lumber up to about 1/4-in. thick. Never again will your hopes for authentic stock be dashed. Pursue those 1/100th-scale Stickley sideboards and eensy-weensy Morris chairs with vigor when you bolt this blade to your super-small-shop table saw. Here’s a blade that would make even the Greene brothers proud … if they had ever made miniatures. Phroyd is ready to ship the new Quarter Cutter now, or find it at your local Phroyd dealer. It sells for two bits.

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Chee-Ya Project Kits https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/chee-ya-project-kits/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:33:22 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43720 Are you faced with the begrudging chore of knocking out those "honey-do" projects and never getting around to building that Chippendale highboy or Sam Maloof rocker you've always dreamed about?

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Are you faced with the begrudging chore of knocking out those “honey-do” projects and never getting around to building that Chippendale highboy or Sam Maloof rocker you’ve always dreamed about? Well, the good folks at Rockler feel your pain. That’s why they’ve created the revolutionary new Chee-Ya Project Kits! Here’s the beauty of Chee-Ya Projects: All you do is unpack the box of wood parts, squirt the proprietary growth medium on each workpiece with your favorite shop solvent and presto!

Click on the Image above for a larger version Overnight, your kit assembles itself into a fully functional, woodworking masterpiece. You never risk a finger or plug in a tool … plus, you’ll get a good night’s rest! Come morning, just roll out of bed, peel off the vines, slap on a few coats of finish and present it to that demanding spouse. You can even eat the leaves. How’s that for “green” woodworking?!

Chee-Ya Project Kits come in an assortment of designs, and they’re always available for 20 percent off Rockler’s low, low price.

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Are My Wood Grains Gluten-Free? https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/wood-grains-gluten-free/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:30:39 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=15973 In the search for a gluten-free lifestyle: what about the wood grains?

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I’m trying to lose weight, and I’ve gotten hooked on this “Gluten-Free” diet. It’s been great, but I keep reading about finding “gluten-free grains.” I’ve had a sudden horrible, realization: What if the wood I’m using in my shop doesn’t fit my lifestyle?! What wood grains can I use that are gluten-free? What wood can I use that won’t make me feel bloated after I finish? – Ned Thedough

Dr. Sal Liac: Most fiberboard is loaded with glutens, thanks to the post-processing done to them. Pieces like MDF (short for “Most Definitely Flavorful”) set off my own allergies something fierce.

As for regular wood grains to avoid, remember that gluten helps things keep their shape, so it’s more common in soft woods like pines and firs. Most hardwoods are certified gluten-free and can be safely utilized in your workshop. Check the labels on your lumber before buying to ensure the wood you’re using in your shop is OK for your diet.

GlutenFreeWood-2

Jodi Gives: As you might imagine, we get this question a lot, Ned. In fact, I’ve been trying a similar diet lately and I had to look high and low on the market for gluten-free biscuits to use in my latest project. I don’t know about grains or fiberboards, but let me tell you, now I know a thing or two about biscuits. Thankfully, Thriftee Woodworker has introduced a new line of their baked woodworking biscuits that are 100% gluten-free.

They still taste a little woody, but they’re really handy to have around the shop, won’t flare up any allergies and can help you join up a tabletop in a pinch.

Matt Tzo (CEO Thriftee Woodworker): Just to clear up a common misconception, our Gluten Free Biscuit Mix™ does contain gluten.

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Thriftee Woodworker’s Bake-A-Biskits https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/thriftee-woodworkers-bake-a-biskits/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:25:32 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43716 Save money, snack smart, by baking your own biscuit joiner biscuits.

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These days, each penny pinched is a penny closer to that new 220-volt whatjamajigger you’ve got your eye on. The good folks at Thriftee Woodworker know exactly where you’re coming from, brothers and sisters! They’re now offering the very essence of frugality in a box: a powdered formula to finally! bake your own biscuit joiner biscuits. This way, there’s no need to buy pre-made wood biscuits anymore … and definitely not in three different sizes! What muckety muck marketing analyst ever came up with that crazy idea?! Wasteful.

Instead, with Bake-A-Biskits, you mix up a batch, roll ’em out like the biscuits mom used to make for Sunday dinner, and cut them to shape with the included and re-useable template. Pop them in the oven and, “the longer you bake ’em, the smaller you make ’em,” just like the box says. The secret is in the proprietary blend of high-gluten, fiber-enriched baking flour, at least eleven herbs and spices and a healthy dollop of sawdust and shavings for binder. In no time, you’ll have piping hot biscuits ready for your next joinery project.

To make #20s, bake them for an hour or so. Number 10s take three hours to shrink down right, and #0s will be pint-sized by suppertime. Speaking of which, Bake-A-Biskits are edible … mostly. Make more than you need, and keep them on hand for a convenient–and tasty!–shop snack.* Bake-A-Biskit 2With Bake-A-Biskits, you’ll have biscuits for pennies a pound, plus the cleanest colon you’ve ever had. What more could a woodworker ask for? Find Bake-A-Biskit mix in 2 lb. boxes wherever fine woodworking products are sold.

(* Except in the State of California where they’ve been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. For heaven sakes, don’t eat them there.)

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Slick Willy’s® Snake Oil Blade Lube https://www.woodworkersjournal.com/slick-willys-snake-oil-blade-lube/ Tue, 03 Apr 2018 12:19:44 +0000 http://rocklerwj.wpengine.com/?p=43713 Whoever says a dirty, pitch-encrusted blade can't be restored to tiptop cutting condition has never tried Slick Willy's® Snake Oil Blade Lube.

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Whoever says a dirty, pitch-encrusted blade can’t be restored to tiptop cutting condition has never tried Slick Willy’s® Snake Oil Blade Lube.
Extracted from the purest essences of python bladders from the darkest jungles of Burma, this blade tonic “reconditions and revitalizes” band saw, table saw and miter saw blades to their former glory. Slick Willy’s even guarantees that they’ll spin at least .27 RPM faster than before treatment!

Here’s how the two-step process works: First — and this is important — soak the blade in blade cleaner to “prime” the surfaces for Snake Oil Blade Lube. Second, scrub the teeth until all traces of pitch and gum are removed. This “preconditions” the metal. Now, pour on the Lube to liberally cover the blade; Snake Willy’s recommends that at least two thirds of the can (preferably more) be used for each treatment.

The fluid goes on clear, dries clear and has no odor. Even better, it’s completely non-toxic and biodegradeable. But be sure to promptly wipe it all off with a dry cloth.*

Now, prepare to be amazed! Cleaner, safer cuts with less burning…and with only a little elbow grease from you. Who knew that blades could be so “Sssimply Ssslippery!” Slick Willy’s Snake Oil Blade Lube ($69.13/gallon; $439.13/barrel) is available exclusively from the company website: www.snakeoilheretodaygonetomorrow.com.

*Any subsequent rusting or incidental blade corrosion from water contact is not covered under the product warranty.

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