When he grew up, he rebelled. “I opted out of the 80s corporate greed and into sustainable living,” Oscar said.

It’s a passion he’s maintained, and one that has brought him truly back to the land. “I don’t do anything; I don’t consume anything, that involves resources I can’t remake or replace. This container I’m holding is capturing all the carbon dioxide that comes out every time I exhale. I’m going to dump it out on top of all the trees I’m growing — kind of like watering them, with their own version of fresh air.”
Those trees are part of the project that brought Oscar to woodworkers’ attention: they’re the source material for his new line of wooden clothing.

“I’ve failed any tests of mechanical aptitude I’ve ever taken,” explained Oscar. “Plus, I don’t want to use any metal parts. I won’t be building any cotton gins, and there’s the whole crazy-scary witch thing with the spinning wheel. I’ve pretty much run out of options for where to get my clothes.

“I did go the traditional fig-leaf route for a while, but my fig trees kept dying. I guess they didn’t like the refreshing January breezes off of Lake Superior.” Now, Oscar is using a different part of the tree to create his wardrobe. Not the furniture type of wardrobe — he doesn’t have one of those, as he considers it a waste of time and money — but the kind that’s a collection of all of his clothes. At the moment, he has two outfits.

“I did birchbark shorts for summer last year; they really matched the peeling on my skin after I’d been out in the sun absorbing solar heat into my bodily fat for winter storage.

“Now, I’m stylin’ it in oak: hardwood, man, that’s the way to go.”

Committed these days to using only local woods, Oscar does admit that it’s often difficult for him to make a choice between turning his oak or walnut trees into an outfit or saving the nuts for a nutritious potage. Sometimes, he’ll just trim off a branch or two with his homemade bow saw to use for his material, and leave the rest to keep on growing.

Each new outfit is unique — “pattern, schmattern,” says Oscar. “I just make what I make” — and he also highlights its natural decomposability. “Say you eat a nice dinner of homegrown beans and home-slaughtered bacon,” he said. “In a little while, you might be feeling the aftereffects — but you can just leave ’em there in the woods. It’s kind of like shedding your skin. Next day, you whip up a new outfit.”
Oscar’s wooden clothing has additional safety benefits, as well: for woodworkers who use a table saw, the clothing, especially when it’s made of hardwood, acts as a sort of “armor-plated” (“Hey! Wooden armor…,” Oscar says) safety guard.
Also, the U.S. Coast Guard has expressed interest in testing the wooden clothing’s use as a floatation device. Travel plans to Niagara Falls may be in Oscar’s future.

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The result is Dr. Jekyll’s Hyde Glue, named for Robert Louis Stevenson’s fictional character who is really something different than he appears to be. “Actually,” Ahm told me, “I wanted to name it ‘I can’t believe it is not hide glue,’ which really sums up what people feel about it once they try it. However, the company that sells the butter substitute of a similar name prevented me from calling it that. In fact, I was going to follow that up with a synthetic shellac substitute I created and call it ‘I can’t believe it’s not shellac,’ but they stopped that as well. Instead, I call it ‘Don’t bug me,’ a reference to the fact that no bugs are killed in creating it.

“My background is in polymer chemistry,” Ahm explained, “so coming up with the formulas was not really all that difficult. Like the real thing, my Hyde Glue can be used as a cold-set glue, sold in liquid form, which gives you a fairly long open time for glue-ups. However, I also sell a version that starts out as a semi-solid and must be heated. Just like the real thing, the hot version sets much quicker and depends on cool temperatures as well as moisture loss to set. Both form essentially the same strong, creep-free glue bonds, and like hide glue, are reversible with heat or hot water.

“My ‘Don’t bug me’ shellac substitute is also a direct replacement, in this case for shellac. It’s a great sealer and finish, can be wiped on, brushed or sprayed, is slightly amber and dries very fast. The finish it forms is hard, waterproof, stain-resistant and buffs up easily. You can make it anything from satin to high gloss just by rubbing it down, with fine steel wool, or up with automotive polishing compound.”

When I pointed out that this sounds remarkably like nitrocellulose lacquer, which in fact was originally created as a substitute for shellac back in the early 20th century, Ahm insisted it was quite different. I asked him to explain the difference, but he said it was too technical and I most likely would not understand. “In any case,” he insisted, “it is proprietary, so I can’t tell you.”

At present, Ahm does not have much distribution, but he hopes that will change. In the meantime, you can buy either product direct from his website, though there is an additional flammable item shipping charge for ‘Don’t bug me’ shellac substitute.

“For me, it is all about being a good woodworker who is also kind to animals,” Ahm Sari insisted. “Just because you love wood does not mean you should have to apologize to the animals.”

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– Trebor Eontsnhoj; Drofkcor, Minnesota

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– Skeezits “Save a Penny” Johansson
Twig, Minnesota

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Tom Onman: You really didn’t give us much to go on here. What kind of rocks do you have? Different rocks rot at different rates and create a different look when you apply them. I like to use granite. It starts to decompose after just a few weeks in the sun, and it doesn’t smell too bad when you’re applying it. If you’re willing to wait a while longer, the best polish comes from from pumice, but that stuff can take years to properly decay. I have a bottle of 1922 pumice in my basement for special jobs.

Jodi Gives: While store bought stone rots just fine, why not take this opportunity and “go green?” I get all my rotten stone from my garden. Usually I can find some stone that’s already got a bit of rot on it, and it works just as well as the store bought stuff for free!

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Click on the Image above for a larger version Overnight, your kit assembles itself into a fully functional, woodworking masterpiece. You never risk a finger or plug in a tool … plus, you’ll get a good night’s rest! Come morning, just roll out of bed, peel off the vines, slap on a few coats of finish and present it to that demanding spouse. You can even eat the leaves. How’s that for “green” woodworking?!

Chee-Ya Project Kits come in an assortment of designs, and they’re always available for 20 percent off Rockler’s low, low price.

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Dr. Sal Liac: Most fiberboard is loaded with glutens, thanks to the post-processing done to them. Pieces like MDF (short for “Most Definitely Flavorful”) set off my own allergies something fierce.

As for regular wood grains to avoid, remember that gluten helps things keep their shape, so it’s more common in soft woods like pines and firs. Most hardwoods are certified gluten-free and can be safely utilized in your workshop. Check the labels on your lumber before buying to ensure the wood you’re using in your shop is OK for your diet.

Jodi Gives: As you might imagine, we get this question a lot, Ned. In fact, I’ve been trying a similar diet lately and I had to look high and low on the market for gluten-free biscuits to use in my latest project. I don’t know about grains or fiberboards, but let me tell you, now I know a thing or two about biscuits. Thankfully, Thriftee Woodworker has introduced a new line of their baked woodworking biscuits that are 100% gluten-free.

They still taste a little woody, but they’re really handy to have around the shop, won’t flare up any allergies and can help you join up a tabletop in a pinch.

Matt Tzo (CEO Thriftee Woodworker): Just to clear up a common misconception, our Gluten Free Biscuit Mix does contain gluten.

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Instead, with Bake-A-Biskits, you mix up a batch, roll ’em out like the biscuits mom used to make for Sunday dinner, and cut them to shape with the included and re-useable template. Pop them in the oven and, “the longer you bake ’em, the smaller you make ’em,” just like the box says. The secret is in the proprietary blend of high-gluten, fiber-enriched baking flour, at least eleven herbs and spices and a healthy dollop of sawdust and shavings for binder. In no time, you’ll have piping hot biscuits ready for your next joinery project.

To make #20s, bake them for an hour or so. Number 10s take three hours to shrink down right, and #0s will be pint-sized by suppertime. Speaking of which, Bake-A-Biskits are edible … mostly. Make more than you need, and keep them on hand for a convenient–and tasty!–shop snack.* Bake-A-Biskit 2With Bake-A-Biskits, you’ll have biscuits for pennies a pound, plus the cleanest colon you’ve ever had. What more could a woodworker ask for? Find Bake-A-Biskit mix in 2 lb. boxes wherever fine woodworking products are sold.

(* Except in the State of California where they’ve been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. For heaven sakes, don’t eat them there.)

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Here’s how the two-step process works: First — and this is important — soak the blade in blade cleaner to “prime” the surfaces for Snake Oil Blade Lube. Second, scrub the teeth until all traces of pitch and gum are removed. This “preconditions” the metal. Now, pour on the Lube to liberally cover the blade; Snake Willy’s recommends that at least two thirds of the can (preferably more) be used for each treatment.

The fluid goes on clear, dries clear and has no odor. Even better, it’s completely non-toxic and biodegradeable. But be sure to promptly wipe it all off with a dry cloth.*

Now, prepare to be amazed! Cleaner, safer cuts with less burning…and with only a little elbow grease from you. Who knew that blades could be so “Sssimply Ssslippery!” Slick Willy’s Snake Oil Blade Lube ($69.13/gallon; $439.13/barrel) is available exclusively from the company website: www.snakeoilheretodaygonetomorrow.com.

*Any subsequent rusting or incidental blade corrosion from water contact is not covered under the product warranty.

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